Oct 10, 2015

Confession: Jealousy

I'm irritable quite a bit lately with a friend, she's not changed or done anything different so I know this is all on me.  But I'm really chapped about it all, and then cranky at myself for being this way. Damn self-awareness. I know we aren't supposed to compare ourselves to others, but sometimes it happens and you don't realize it.  That has been me and this friend.

I'm jealous and judgy....there I said it, I admit it, I'm judging another woman.

My friend underwent a gastric sleeve last year, a decision that I helped her come to terms with.  I shared with her what I watched my dad and others go through, the good and the bad and so forth. I encouraged her to do this for herself and she's had amazing results.  It has been almost a full year and she's down almost 90lbs, only 15 or 20 from her goal weight.  Perfect right?  She underwent a significant surgery, recovery, and all the not-so-great things of a weight loss surgery. It is NOT a walk in the park and I am the first to tell people that (from observation, I personally have done had any surgery.)

So why am I judging and jealous?

I've watched her shrink in the last year thanks to this surgery.....however
I've watched her continue to use the elevator
I've watched her continue to eat out at lunch daily, eating fried foods, having a bite or two of a donut or taco for breakfast.
I've watched her avoid vegetables.
I've watched her laugh off my snarky remarks about fake food.
I've turned down her offerings of food because I can't have them.  Not even that one sample bite.

I've watched her not make any healthy changes.  I've watched her simply keep her behaviour the same but on a smaller scale (portion size.)  I've watched her reap the benefits of not doing much physically.

We were out of the office together this week and I was unable to pack and take my lunch, so eating out was my only option.  Despite her and my need to make a good choice, she was 'craving' Dairy Queen.  A greasy burger place. That's okay, I'll figure something out and track it. It is life, I gotta deal. 

And then I watch her get to eat fried chicken and french fries.

I sat, nibbled my bad grilled chicken and wilted lettuce and realized how jealous I was.

I realized that while I've watched this over the last year.... I've done so while working my literal ass off everyday.  While I skip going out and being sociable, I go work out.  I track every morsel that goes into my body.  I cook 98% of all meals at home. I drink a gallon of water. I walk over 10K steps every single day.

I do all the things that they tell you are the 'right way' and I am not 'shrinking away' or having any evidence of my hard work and lifestyle.

No, she did not do the easy thing.  She did undergo a surgery, anesthesia, recovery everything. It is not an easy way out.  I'm not jealous of what she did to get here.

I'm jealous of her ability to act and live like those normal thin people.  She simply gets to eat smaller meals (of crappy food) and not have to exercise and she gets to lose weight and buy cute clothes. And yes, she will soon be the same size as I am currently....I'm jealous that I've worked hard especially this past year and the scale is right in the same place.

I'm a crankypants judgmental woman.
flame away.


Oct 9, 2015

Fitness Friday - Oct 9

Giving myself a B for the week but I'm being generous in my opinion.  I'd rather go with a B-, because of the slip on Thursday due to my schedule but then I realized I worked as hard as I could every other day, so a B it is.  It is what it is, right?
  • Monday - 4miles +  Insanity = Total HRM burn of 954calories! 
  • Tuesday - Lifting session + Turbo Jam = burn of 421cals
  • Wednesday - 4miles = 513cals
  • Thursday - REST DAY
  • Friday - 3miles   + T25 Core = 640cals
  • Total calories burned (per heart rate monitor) = 2528
  • October Miles total: 16/55
(I do plan on a little 2-3miler somewhere this weekend to stay on target)
So I hit a wall or something on Wednesday and had to listen to my body.  I'm still learning how to balance out how to listen to my body's true needs versus the "old April lazy habits" needs wants.  I don't know if it was a migraine or what, but my entire body wasn't feeling too hot.  I ended up falling asleep on the way home (we carpool so luckily I wasn't driving).  Migraine meds got me back to a functional mommy mode but as soon as I punched the clock on the mommy shift, I tried to crash but had severe back spasms and struggled.

Thursday I was at a conference so I skipped the lifting session anyway to get a little dolled up and continue resting/recovering from the invisible wall that attacked me on Wednesday.  So limited walking at the conference of course, and I had to skip my lunch time class.

All in all, I figure its a respectable 'B' grade for the week's efforts.  All I can do is keep on moving along, if my body isn't going to get smaller it might as well be healthier, right?

Have a great weekend!!
Its a fun-filled soccer Saturday here and Sunday involves Halloween costume shopping and some new decorations!

Oct 6, 2015

THAT weekend, you know

The one where all logic and restraint is forgotten.
Like all day long...times two.

I really don't know what happened last week, well perhaps it was the very pleasant number I saw on the scale Friday morning being in a new smaller decade.  And then perhaps it was my stupid brain that rewarded that magical number by indulging in a friggin donut on Friday morning.

I blame that donut for the following 48hours.

Friday was a bust, just a complete bust with snacking on crap and excessive.  I actually lost count of how many candy wrappers were in my trash can.  I was guilt-ridden and disgusted with myself but said 'fine fine April, tomorrow is a new day and you can get back on track.'

and I didn't listen.
Saturday was pretty much a repeat of Friday.

Why do we do that to ourselves?  oooh a shiny pretty scale number?? let me splurge and enjoy food like a normal person? let me ignore the tracking just this once....sigh. 
I know I'm not the only one.
And the harsh truth is that it wasn't any physical need (as in not shark week) I said outloud several times while eating 'April, you aren't even hungry!?' nom nom nom.

I faced the music yesterday morning to feel the slap of the bloated and indulgent number on the scale remind me that it was not worth it at all.
I'm down two of those craptistical pounds of bloat and regret, and back on track wholeheartedly.  I had a double-cardio day yesterday and ended my Monday at over 340% for the day.  

But I am sticking to my 'No Chocolate October' (so far)!!

Oct 2, 2015

October Goals

If anyone recalls, back in my hey day of being under 150lbs (still not there again) I joined in Monica's November's annual Pile on the Miles  that was 2yrs ago and my goal was original 50 but I surpassed and hit 62miles for the month of November.  So yeah, I'm inching my way back up to that goal.

August miles were 45
September miles  51
October?  I'm aiming for 55
Which will put me on target for November's goal of 'anything more than 62'

The only other goal for myself?

No chocolate for the month.
But April, it's October???
ruh roh..
I know I know, worst time ever...but I cannot kick this issue right now. Once that first piece it eaten in the day, its a very fast downward spiral and then you are stuck with a trashcan of wrappers that looks like it could have fed an elementary school.

So yes, you hear right.
No chocolate.
No Reeses
No Kitkat
No M&Ms
no no no.

I'll be over here wearing down my teeth with gum chewing instead while I kick this addiction habit.

Sept and weekly recap

First things first....this week didn't turn out the way I hoped.

Just in a mental funk, that whole busy professional mom trying to do it all kinda week, where nothing goes your way and you are just drowning trying to keep up with it all and smile for the kidlets.   And the weekends aren't any easier, but harder with trying to get even more done to make next week easier.  "This too will pass"

Copying the very optimistic list from Monday's post:
  • Monday - (am) 4mile run done! no noon cardio due to schedule 262%
  • Tuesday - (am) 3mile run + (noon) Jillian Michaels Killer Buns and Thighs just a solo walk: 261%
  • Wednesday - (am) 3mile run/walk + (noon) Jillian Michaels' Shed and Shred antisocial again so I went out for a solo walk = 143%
  • Thursday - (am) lifting session + REST DAY (nothing intense, but more active than Wed) = 208%
  • Friday - (am) lifting session *actually did 3miles of hill work instead + T25 Core Cardio= tbd

But overall for the month of September, I cannot complain whatsoever.  I deserve a gold star at least?

I don't recall sharing my goals for September, but it was simply: Keep moving.

I simply wanted to do better than August.
I noticed when I was out of town on my trip that I had a respectable amount of miles last month and on a good routine this month so I just half-hazardly said aloud 'cool, I should aim for 48 this month.'

That was September's little goal..I didn't aim high or burden myself too much. Just keep moving.
from flow.polar.com = Polar Loop

But now we aren't in September and its a whole new month to set goals for...

How did your September turn out? Did you hit any goals?
what about this week?  For Sept you just had to be good for three workdays.

Sep 28, 2015

Where did Sept go??

I actually found a drafted post for my September goals....and it feels like I wrote it only about ten days ago. This month has flown by faster than ever.  So much so, I guess I'll just recycle those goals and name it October.

Last week was a bust, I tried but I only give myself a C+ for my efforts last week.  By Thursday my snacking got out of hand and I bailed on my Friday run.  This weekend was complete blur of mom work that I was ready for the Work -weekdays to return for a break. 

Because of my skipped run on Friday, I'm short on my mileage goal for the month...so I'm doing my three runs back to back (hopefully) so I can meet at least one of my Sept goals!

Plans this week include:
  • Monday - (am) 4mile run done! no noon cardio due to schedule
  • Tuesday - (am) 3mile run + (noon) Jillian Michaels Killer Buns and Thighs
  • Wednesday - (am) 3mile run/walk + (noon) Jillian Michaels' Shed and Shred
  • Thursday - (am) lifting session + REST DAY
  • Friday - (am) lifting session + T25 Core Cardio

and for my #MCM this week, we pay tribute to NBC's  "The Voice"
I mean who can choose between these two guys??


and we can't forget this one too....
damn....it is too hard to pick just one, so the entire show gets a shoutout for #MCM this week.

Sep 24, 2015

Vampires and a NSV

Yesterday I found myself back at the doctor (seriously? twice in 10days is freaky for me) but more related to my wonky stomach or other ailments. I rolled my eyes when he personally called and said 'yeah, lets run your numbers and see where you are, I don't like what I hear.'  Blah...The scale was nice, but it wasn't as nice as mine at home when I'm nekkid, but I got some better news than that stupid scale number.

Repeat after me: "Scales are stupid, health is important."

The nurse went through her obligatory checklist and then did my routine vitals like every other visit.  Since having hypertension with my first pregnancy, I've always paid attention to my blood pressure and now ask everytime they take it.  I don't settle for 'oh its good,' but rather I want the numbers.

102 / 61
Thumbs up April.

And then that resting heart rate, which is always skewed if your rushed or slammed coffee right before or stressed from traffic.

Then the doctor comes in to chat and tell me how much blood they want to take for fun, and he skims the nurses' notes.

"You've lost some weight, that great but don't lose too much more" (ignore that part...I am)
"How much are you running now? Your heart-rate looks awesome!"
"eh, my goal this month is 55miles, so its about 12-15 a week?"
"well your body is keeping up and its showing!"
see note above about the stupid scale
 "but now we need to get your vitamin levels checked...." again.
After the vampires caught up with me and took everything they could (4 vials), I went home and googled to see what the doctor was talking about.  I pulled out my paperwork from last Thursday where I was at urgent care and found my HR was 51bpm there as well..
And lookie loo....
I was flattered and then laughed out loud at the label.  Anyone who knows me, I will never ever at all try to claim or call myself an 'Athlete'...but damn it looks good on paper, doesn't it?  A reminder that its just not about that stupid number that I admit I slightly obsess over, but overall health.  And well, things are improving right along aren't they?

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